Arthur Dent: Another Day in Paradise Part 1
by Confucius-Says-What
Summary: Arthur has had to deal with some pretty harsh realities, but none more bitter than waking up in Paradise & finding out what that means consequently.


Disclaimer: These are not my characters they belong to Douglas N. Adams and should be respected as his original work. I am just borrowing them for a moment and will return them unharmed is not a little weary. If this story doesn't sound like something DNA would have written that's because I'm not British so I don't have his accent. Thank you and please enjoy the story.

There is something to be said for a well groomed lawn - the look of the flat evenly mowed surface, the neatly trimmed lined ledges, and, of course, the layer of thick weaving blades of grass in between. For those few it is a small comfort to watch as the time passes away; while for many others it is a thing to enjoy in a pleasant activity - like say drinking tea in ones back patio, or maybe a friendly game of rugby or perhaps soccer in the park, and, let's not forget, the lazy days of summer when one simply lays about in an open pasture while the clouds pass by and daydream carefree sweet dreams. At the moment though, a certain someone was lying not on their back, but face down in the grass, and unfortunately, as one would be expect for this individual, there were no carefree sweet dreams to be had for him.

There was a warm breeze on the back of his neck as he slowly woke up to the sound of someone moaning in pain - then unhappily realized, more than he wished, that it was him. He wasn't quite sure why or what the reason for his unexplained condition, although he had a faint recollection of seeing a bright light, followed by a sudden darkness, before ending with the usual pain and confusion he's become so accustom to, if not fond of. _Arthur Dent the universe's personal punching bag,_ he thought to himself without a moment's pause, yet he did have good reason, it wasn't the first time he found himself waking up to the sound of his own groaning in agony. Still, it took him a few minutes before the ringing in his head stopped, and, another few minutes before his eyes stopped spinning in their sockets till he was able to get up. Finally he decided to make a go of it; carefully he stood up, brushed off the grass from his bathrobe, and began looking around at his surrounds. From what he could tell he was no longer on the Heart of Gold, or, for that matter, in space, but by the scenery he could slightly short of; not quite; almost swear it was Earth. There was green grass like Earth, there was a blue sky like Earth, there was a bright yellow sun like Earth, and there were even trees and birds and bees like Earth. It was all quite Earthy if he did say so himself, and he did.

"It's all quite Earthy if I do say so myself", said Arthur out loud to no one, or, thing in particular, but which, at the moment, included a line of trees, a mouse running by, and a small grassy knoll. "Will if not for the fact that the Earth was blown up to make a galactic bypass", he found himself making a rebuttal to an agreement he was having with himself. Then he signed a deep sign of regretful retrospect of things along past. He had seen all there was to see of the heavens known as the universe and of the varies different earths; as well as, many things which could be called hell, and knew better then to get his hopes up, because his hopes always seem to get up and walk out on him, and personally he was getting very tired of the disappointment and abuse. Yet, wherever he seemed to be, and whatever it all appeared to be, it looked to him, from the flag on the 5th green, much like a golf course. Before he could state the obviousness of this, he heard the sound someone yelling something he couldn't quite make out, behind him, but which sounded something along the lines like the words "fire" and "hole". Turning to see who it is, to ask them what all the yelling is about, and hopefully where he might be, he is hit with a very hard and fast moving object, bring back a sense of déjà vu; a bright light, a sudden darkness, and lying painfully confused faced down in the grass.

Slowly Arthur woke up again moaning and with the strange feeling of someone who was being poked in the ribs with a stick – then realized it was because he was being poked in the ribs with a stick. As things began to come into focus, if not lucid, he could see the hazy image of someone's head; of two someone's heads; of two someone's heads on the same body and one of them was smoking a cigar.

"See it's him! Didn't I say that it was going to be him!" said Zaphod to Ford as he smoked a cigar and poked Arthur with a stick.

Actually both of them were smoking cigars and wearing the most God-Awful pair of gold golf shoes with little wings on the sides, white and green plaid pants, and blue sky shirts that read Eternal Paradise Country Club right above the pocket; topping it all off with three pairs of old-fashion knit golf caps, which had instead of the usual little knit ball a gold halo connected by a thin wire. You could almost say they were Holly-Golfers but that would be a very bad pun indeed and an even worse characterization of what was yet to be explained.

"Yes you did. You said it would be Arthur lying here flat on his back like so much road kill and it is", replied Ford nonchalantly as he stood next to a golf cart, "So I guess you win the bet, I owe you another drink" and proceeded to pour a dry Martini from the back of the golf cart and then handed it to Zaphod.

"Bet!? Drinks!?... Cigars!?" exclaimed Arthur as he rose up from the ground dazed, confused, and very offended at the notion of someone indiscriminately betting on his pain and suffering. But what was worse as pure usual no one even offered to ask if him was alright, which he wasn't, or if he'd like a cigar, which he really didn't, or if he'd like a drink, well as long as it was tea, or at the very least if he'd like a ride in the golf cart, which at the moment he could have used if just for a place to sit down because his head was ringing a bit and at least one eye was still spinning around in it's socket.

"Heads up, bottoms down, and stomachs can split off into a neutral corner" proclaimed Zaphod as he totally ignored Arthur and consumed his drink like a fish out of water, then causally threw the glass over his shoulder into some bushes scaring a family of mice you had take up root there - and who were not happy at all about it either and said so in a quite a way that we can't repeat most of except for the last part which was, you wouldn't get a way with something like this if we where still back on Earth you two headed jackass, but then they remembered they weren't back on Earth so they quickly ran away before someone could step on them.

Fortunately for them no one was paying them any mind at all because everyone was to busy listening to what Zaphord was thinking on to bet next. "Now let me think. What should we bet on next?" said Zaphod banging his two heads together furiously trying to think, till finally, flashing with the bright light of triumph in his eyes. "Eureka! I've got it. We'll bet to see how long it'll take Monkey-Boy here to black out again."

Ford looked at his good friend Arthur standing in front of him confused and in pain and patted him affectionately on the shoulder then back to Zaphod and said "You're on".

"Stupendous!" said Zaphod who was very ecstatic about it all.

"One moment now" protested Arthur. "I refuse to be apart of your little wager! For your information I am not some kind of slot-machine that always comes up lemons or limes or what ever fruit that's considered bad luck. And just once, for God Sake, will someone tell me what's going on!?"

"Funny you should mention GOD at a time like this Arthur considering it's for the Sake of God we're even here in the first place. That or someone made a very big mistake" said Ford somewhat off-coloredly.

"What? What's that suppose to mean?" asked Arthur.

"Hey, what's that suppose to mean?" inquired Zaphod even though the comment wasn't directed at him – yet, to be honest he had completely forgotten he already knew the answer.

"Because we're dead" stated Ford bluntly.

"WE'RE DEAD!?" exclaimed Arthur.

"Yes, we're dead" restated Ford.

"How is that possible, I don't remember dying" said Arthur.

"No idea, I don't remember either" said Ford.

"BUT WHY US, WHY ME!" demand Arthur.

"Why not us, why not you" answered Ford

"But when did it happen?" asked Arthur.

"Who knows it just happened" said Ford.

"It doesn't seem fair" said Arthur.

"Nobody said life was fair Arthur, but then again we're dead so it doesn't really matter" said Ford.

"Dead…" said Arthur soberly and started to feel woozy in the head again, "… are you sure?"

"Yes. We're all quite dead, slightly pickled, and resting very comfortable in Paradise or the Garden of Eden if you prefer… at least that's how I understood it when the chap in the dress and harp explained it to Zaphod and me at the club house. Come to think of it he was the one who that told us about some idiot in a bathrobe getting hit in the head with golf balls out on the back five. So that's when we came out here looking for you" said Ford then started eating out of the jar of olives for the Martinis.

"Oh, right that. I completely forgot about all of 'THAT' hours ago" said Zaphod looking around to see what else he could bet on beside Arthur.

"I don't understand how you two can look so content about being dead" Arthur bellyached as he looked at the two going about their business as usual.

"You know, he's really starting to spoil my buzz" objected Zaphod then drank another very dry Martini, took a drag from his cigar, and blew a smoke ring around Arthur's head.

"Don't you know anything Earth-man? Being dead is the next best thing to living rich" said Zaphod and bent the halo on his cap sideways.

"Whaa, what does that even mean!?" flustered Arthur as he looked to Ford for a sensible translation.

He didn't get one.

"Don't you see? This is the best thing that could have happened to us Arthur, we've finally lucked out. We've won the big mega-galactic jackpot; found the golden goose at the bottom of the cereal box; won the lifetime supply of free, unrefined, breathable oxygen; got the deal on the buy, one get one free, but then took the buy one back, got a refund, and, still kept the free one" explained Ford."

Arthur starred bafflingly at Ford for a moment, thought about looking to Zaphod for some enlightenment, thought about that for another moment, decided against it, then continued starring bafflingly at Ford. This sort of thing would have gone on as they say 'Forever and a Day' -which would have been even longer than normal being that they were in the Paradise- if not for a little divine intervention of sorts.

"Fire in the hole!" yelled someone from the other end of the field, as they swung away very firmly at a poor little white ball just sitting innocently on the ground.

As it flu through the air it's only was comment that it had a full life, but regretted not finishing its screen play about young Albert Einstein in post-industrial Australia.

"WATCH OUT ARTHUR!" cried out Ford pointing up at the sky.

"Watch out for what?" asked Arthur looking up at what Ford was point at but neglecting to move out of the way of the on coming mortar.

The small spiraling ball bouncing hard off the top of Arthur's skull, his head bent back as he stumbles awkwardly looking for solid footing only to be blinded by the bright sun, then falls face down, a daft expression on his face, onto the well kept lawn before blackout, and, as to be expected, it all ends in the pain and confusion that somehow has become second nature for him, if not a life choice.

"He's out cold again" said Ford starring down at Arthur.

"Looks that way" said Zaphod unsympathetic.

"Well you can't say I didn't warn him this time, because I did" declared Ford to Zaphod solemnly and formally, but not under oath as he would usually have been doing in another situation as this.

"Yes you did. Hey, hold up! I've got a brilliant idea," said Zaphod snapping his fingers. "This time we'll bet to see if he remembers that he's been hit in the head with a golf ball when he wakes up."

Ford looked down, affectionately, at his good friend Arthur lying, unhappily, unconscious on the ground, and, for a moment, wondered what he might being going through, but then with a wicked smile turned to Zaphod, "You're on."


End file.
